


Open Mind

by ChaTianShi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Codependency, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 23:08:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5803912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaTianShi/pseuds/ChaTianShi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongin can't control when the feeling hits him. It doesn't matter what he's doing or who he's with, it creeps up on him like an old friend and worst enemy rolled into one. He knows, when he starts to feel the low strum of heat in his tummy, that he doesn't have long. His hyungs try to help, but he's searching for something he won't find with them, searching for one person who's not there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Open Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is no way intended to be accurate descriptions of any EXO members and other depicted persons, places, things, or events. They are solely the products of imagination and should be strictly regarded as such.
> 
> **Warnings for references to depression, disassociation, hypoactive sexual desire, and general discomfort/lethargy in the context of a mental illness.
> 
> Featuring asexual!Sehun ! But they're both ace-spec tbh.

Jongin can't control when the feeling hits him. It doesn't matter what he's doing or who he's with, it creeps up on him like an old friend and worst enemy rolled into one. It feels like he's walking through a pool of water, starting at the shallow end and slowly heading towards the deep. He knows, when he starts to feel the low strum of heat in his tummy, that he doesn't have long. It makes him crave attention and affection at first; he's whiny and clingy with his hyungs, searching for something he won't find with them, searching for one person who's not there. The others won't chide him for it because they're in public, but they all know him well enough by now to figure out what's coming. 

 

He's losing his grip on himself by the time he gets back to the dorms. Kyungsoo notices first and drops his bags to come over and massage his shoulders - keep an eye on him. Kyungsoo doesn't like him like this, he knows, because Kyungsoo feels he's useless in these situations, but Jongin thinks he'd be worse without him. Baekhyun also needs something to do and so he strokes a hand through Jongin's hair as they lounge on the sofa. It's good of them, and he's always grateful, but it's not enough. Because none of them are who he needs; none of them are Sehun. He's never known why it has to be Sehun, but he can't imagine it with anyone else. No one else understands without words the way Sehun does; has never had to question him, or make him feel like he was strange or difficult.

Sehun always makes him feel good, feel better, knows just what he needs without him having to utter a word. Sehun doesn't think it's weird, or if he does, he doesn't show it. Sehun doesn't tell the others about it because it's special and it's theirs, even though the hyungs question him when Jongin's not around. They know that they have to keep this close to their chests, just in case something bad happens, or the hyungs try to stop them. Jongin doesn't know how he'd cope if that happened.

Jongin waits for Sehun to come home from his trip out with Junmyeon, counting the minutes, trying not to imagine what it would be like if Sehun left forever. He knows the slow emptiness that comes with people leaving his life, but there are some gaps that were too big to refill. He isn't sure how big Sehun's gap would be, how much of himself might be ripped away and forgotten if Sehun left him. His head feels heavy and his eyes are stinging. He can't help it when his thoughts get like this either, and it doesn't happen every time, but it's mostly a package deal; the rolling desire followed by the depressive fog.

Yixing starts playing his guitar in the living room and Jongin rests his head on the back of the sofa. He hears Kyungsoo humming softly above him, and Baekhyun trails a hand down the side of Jongin's face. He knows that he makes the rest of them uncomfortable when he's like this, because they don't know how to help him, and he can hear Jongdae talking down the phone in not-so-hushed whispers, tensely asking Junmyeon to bring Sehun home as soon as possible. 

Jongin's stomach is starting to clench up, the stress building from his background fear of Sehun's permanent absence. Baekhyun is saying something to him softly and it takes him some time to pull himself out of his head and comprehend the words.

"Sehun's coming, Jongin. It's okay, he's on his way back right now. Stay with us, yeah? Don't zone out, Jonginnie..."

Jongin nods, not really seeing, wanting to stand up and stretch his body out but suddenly lacking the mental energy to push himself off the sofa. His face feels hot and his clothes are uncomfortable, he loses track of time until Baekhyun is shaking his shoulder. "Jongin-ah, Sehun's about a minute away, he's almost here."

Jongin's heart picks up at this, and he's glad to be released from the lethargy for a moment, giving Baekhyun a small smile. He looks at a spot on the wall, carefully examining the cracks in the paint from where they play too much sometimes and trash the place. He can feel the heaviness closing in around his head again when there's a sudden shift in weight on the sofa, Baekhyun getting up, and then he's being crushed by a large body.

The warm, thick smell of Sehun's cologne is like oxygen, and he's suddenly blathering into the fur of Sehun's expensive coat while Sehun wraps his arms tight around Jongin and squeezes him close. He thinks he might dissolve into the furniture. "Shhh, stay present." Sehun says into his ear. Jongin is clinging onto Sehun's clothes so he doesn't drown in the cushions beneath him.

Sehun pulls him up, knowing he can't do it himself, and helps Jongin to the room Sehun shares with Junmyeon. The leader lets them have it because, though he doesn't understand why, he knows they need it, and because Sehun is good at persuading their hyungs to do things. 

Sehun sits Jongin on his bed and then takes off his coat and cardigan. He keeps his eyes trained on Jongin, and Jongin is so relieved to see him, a smile breaks across his face. Sehun looks pleasantly surprised, grinning back and striding over to quickly take Jongin's hands in his and tip him backwards. Sehun's body covers him, and he watches Sehun flutter his eyelashes before angling his cheek. Jongin laughs at him before leaning up to peck a kiss there. 

Sehun doesn't let them part, closing his eyes and nuzzling their faces together, dragging his lips across Jongin's cheekbones, kissing his chin. Jongin's fingers find their way to Sehun's cotton shirt and twist into the material. He knows Sehun's going to take care of him, he wants it, but he can't shake the heavy tension built up in his body. He knows that Sehun took too long this time.

Sehun brushes their lips together, not kissing, but talking against his mouth, letting Jongin swallow his cool milky tea breath. "Are you still with me?"

Jongin tries to breathe a weak, "yes," but nothing comes out. Sehun pulls back to comb his eyes over Jongin's face, his brows furrowing, before joining their mouths together again and attempting to surround Jongin like his personal ray of sunlight. He works his way into Jongin's mouth like he's discovering it for the first time and Jongin wants him to be closer, impossibly close, needs him to clear the clouds from his mind so that he can feel properly. Sehun pauses to suck Jongin's lower lip into his mouth and Jongin's hands are clutched to his chest, like he's praying for something. 

Sehun handles him with firm but careful touches, hard enough that he can actually feel them. Sehun trails his mouth along Jongin's jaw, kissing behind his ear and making him shudder. His skin is tingling and he feels restricted in his clothing. He makes a little sound and Sehun knows somehow, leaning back to grab the hem of Jongin's t-shirt and pull it up and over his head. He smooths his hands over Jongin's chest, and kisses his tummy the way that Jongin likes, making a cute little smacking sound with his lips. Sehun rubs a hand over his abdomen in little circles and Jongin sighs, trying to be in the moment, trying not to get lost. Sehun is with him and he's so happy even if his body won't let him show it. His fingers twitch at his sides. Sehun takes his hand and nuzzles his palm, kissing him there and kissing his fingertips. His chest twinges. Sehun massages his knuckles and Jongin doesn't know how Sehun knows what to do; how he makes the tension begin to bleed away, but he does.

He feels a press of lips at his navel, and Sehun is still constantly looking up at Jongin for reassurance. Jongin wishes he knew how to return what Sehun gave him.

Sehun starts to wiggle Jongin's sweatpants down his hips and Jongin tries to help kick them off and then he's free. Sehun slides his hands up Jongin's thighs, squeezing intermittently. It makes him feel good because he knows that Sehun admires them. Sehun had told him so before, when they'd been exhausted from dancing, draped all over each other on the floor of the practice room. Sehun touches his lips to Jongin's knee, looking at him fondly, he trails down to Jongin's inner thigh, where he mouths the skin gently. Sehun says something that Jongin can't hear, and doesn't yet have the energy to ask. 

His makes a small grab for Sehun hand, and Sehun sees it in his periphery, entwining their fingers straight away, before coming up to bury his face in Jongin's neck and be close.

His other hand slides down, to gently cup Jongin's crotch and rub his underwear lazily. Jongin feels a slight heat reach his cheeks for the first time that evening and he gasps a little. Sehun removes his hand and leans on it as he attaches his lips to Jongin's neck, because they have to go slow. 

Jongin is accustomed to being embarrassed about how little control he has over his libido when these moments take him over, but he can't be anymore because Sehun doesn't allow it. Jongin hates his body doing things before he's ready, hates losing control because it makes him feel like he isn't truly there; like he's air in the room, with no ability to decide where he goes or what he does. Sehun's teeth drag lightly along his jaw and he knows that Sehun can tell that he's disassociating badly tonight.

"Do you think it might be better if I keep talking to you?" Sehun says softly, laying on Jongin's chest and stroking a thumb over his earlobe thoughtfully. 

"Maybe." Jongin says, because it took too long for Sehun to reach him and Jongin is suffering the consequences. 

"I'm going to make you feel nice." Sehun speaks into his neck where he's sucking intermittently. "I'm going to spoil you with little gifts. It'll be the best ever."

Little gifts is the name Sehun made up to refer to their kisses because it made it easier for them to talk about it in public that way. Sehun's hand returns between Jongin's legs, dragging lightly because Sehun is helping Jongin to become less sensitive. 

He finds it difficult to distinguish arousal from other feelings after the cloudy desire initially hits him, but the sneaky monster in his underwear has never had that problem. He knows that he's been hard since Sehun's greeting in the living room and he knows that Sehun is used to it. Jongin plants a kiss on Sehun's cheek when he looks to the side for a moment and it makes him smile shyly.

"You'll make me blush." He whispers. Jongen leans up and kisses him again, on the lips, and feels a little more like himself. Sehun's tongue curls into his mouth. Sometimes Jongin wonders if they're both terrible at kissing but they don't know it because they only learnt to do it with each other, and also he's biased because he almost likes Sehun's little gifts more than anything.

Jongin find the will to bring his hands to Sehun's face, smoothing his thumbs over the soft skin and tracing the contours with his eyes closed. Sehun's hand crawls beneath the waistband of his underwear, and Jongin sighs at his touch. "You're getting so much better, Jongin." Sehun praises, and curls his fingers around Jongin's arousal. It's hot now, and Jongin can feel himself starting to sweat. 

He always knows when his foggy brain is starting to clear because Sehun becomes less bright and perfect, and more familiar and warm. He starts to properly feel the fire in the pit of his stomach, and taste the cool, soothing licks of Sehun's tongue, and he's grasping the younger to be closer to him, burying his face in Sehun's shoulder. They are quiet and wrapped up in each other, and Sehun doesn't let Jongin get too close to the edge until Jongin lets him know that he's ready.

Sehun pauses to quickly undo the buttons on his shirt and then get rid of it. Jongin kisses his clavicle in approval. Sehun doesn't always take off his clothes, but Jongin likes it when he does because Sehun is so soft and comforting to touch. He wraps his arms around Sehun now that he can, relishing the smooth expanse of his back and then searching lower for his dimples. Sehun always finds it amusing that Jongin likes to press his fingers into them, and he huffs a laugh against Jongin's neck as he locates them.

"You're coming back to me." Sehun sighs, relief clear in his voice. "I should have indulged your obsession sooner, huh?"

"Maybe." Jongin hides his smile, he loves Sehun's body, all of it, even the parts that Sehun won't show even when it's just them together. He doesn't catch what Sehun whispers to him before he gasps suddenly, his back arching from the delicious twist of Sehun's hand. 

"Sorry, was it too much?" Sehun asks quickly, withdrawing.

Jongin shakes his head and kisses his shoulder. "No, it's okay." He says lightly. "I want to finish now."

Sehun nods, drawing back a little and smiling at him because he's always so proud and relieved when Jongin is coming out of an episode and the happiness in his kisses is contagious. They share breath as Sehun brings Jongin closer to his release. Jongin's chest starts to heave and his thighs are tensing. Sehun kisses him, over and over, pushes his hair back from his forehead where it's plastered with sweat, and the heat is pooling in his gut, making his hips want to flick upwards. 

He lets out a little choked sound when Sehun squeezes and he's finally pulsing into Sehun's hand. He shuts his eyes as the feeling rolls up his body like a wave breaking over rocks. Jongin is still, trying to feel the life come back into his limbs.

Sehun goes to grab a tissue from Junmyeon's bedside table instantly, and cleans them up. He tucks Jongin inside his underwear and lays down beside him. Jongin opens his eyes finally, wanting to hug him, breathe his familiar, youthful scent; wishing he could convey what Sehun meant to him without words, wishing he could repay him somehow. Sehun strokes his hand up and down the side of Jongin's body, his nails dragging a little.

Sehun never gets aroused when they are together, or ever as far as Jongin has seen, and at first Jongin had thought it was because deep down Sehun was uncomfortable or unhappy to be there, but Sehun had assured him he wasn't. Many times over.  He'd just said that he wasn't interested in being touched there, but that he liked to do it for Jongin. Sehun likes doing other stuff, like having his back scratched, or Jongin play with his hair, or kiss his neck, or rub his ankles. Jongin likes touching him, so this works for both of them.

"I'm sorry I took so long." Sehun whispers so quietly that Jongin almost thinks he is imagining it. The look on Sehun's face says otherwise.

"Don't say that. You have nothing to be sorry for." He curls himself closer, clearing his throat and testing his voice. "You know that."

"It wouldn't have been as bad if I'd gotten back quicker. I tried, Jong-"

Jongin shushes him. "Hey, hey, it's- it's my fault for being like this," he murmurs, "I'm so lucky to have you at all."

"No, it's not, Jongin. It's not your fault."

Sehun's face crumples suddenly and then he's covering it with his hand. Sehun has never liked people seeing him cry and though he is the youngest, he goes to great pains to hide the tears he sheds from the rest of them. Jongin is caught off guard by the sudden act, his hand sliding into Sehun's hair to comfort him. "Sehun..." Jongin forgets sometimes that maybe his burden is too much for Sehun to bear, as the youngest, all alone. 

Sehun puts an arm around Jongin's neck, and Jongin can hear the thickness in his voice as he tries to speak around the lump in his throat. The raw emotion tugs at him until he feels a lump in his own throat too. 

Sehun starts protesting. "Wait- No, no, no- Jongin, stop."

"Y- You stop!" He chokes. 

Sehun grimaces as he tries to wipe his eyes. "We're so stupid." 

Jongin bundles him up to his chest, entwining their legs and drawing his fingers through Sehun's hair rhythmically, trying to blink away his own tears. "Yeah, we are."

Sehun's breathing evens out after a minute or so, and he starts to poke Jongin's nipple absently. "Are you okay?" Jongin asks softly.

"Mm." Sehun says, pressing his nose and mouth to Jongin's chest. 

"You can tell me anything." He says, thumb running along the edge of Sehun's ear. 

"Do you love me?" Sehun asks breathlessly. 

"Of course." Jongin says, trying to pull Sehun back slightly to see his face, but Sehun keeps himself plastered to Jongin's front.

"Jongin-ah." He starts to get quieter. "No... I mean the  _love_  love kind of way. Not the... not the brother way."

It hits him, and Jongin blinks. Not the brother way. The other way. The...other way. He's shocked by it but in the way that feels like Sehun had dragged something out of him that he didn't even realise was there. The urge to fade out and deal with it in his mind is pulling at him temptingly, despite the fact that his episode is long over. Even so, Sehun feels the atmosphere change and pulls back to hold Jongin's face in his hands. "Stay present." He says once, firmly. Jongin can see how red his eyes are now, and he reaches out to touch the still-damp tear tracks on his cheeks. 

Sehun's face is calm as they look at each other. Jongin thinks about the way he loves the others, tries to identify the point of differentiation between them and Sehun. Of course it's different. He couldn't live without Sehun, was that it? Was it the unbreakable, indescribable connection between the two of them? The way he felt like they communicated at another level, something purer and simpler, almost musical. How good it felt to hold Sehun and be held back. How Sehun's smiles gave him the same euphoric feeling as winning an award.  

Outside, they were two people who knew each other better than anyone else, who laughed at the same dumb jokes and cringed and sang and danced together. In this room, they were like one person. Being together like this was like the quiet victory and warmth that came with a perfect performance, a perfect stage. He wonders if that's what love is; this comfort, this belonging, like they were in something together, lost somewhere, just the two of them.

"Jongin." Sehun says, checking on him because he's been silent for so long.

"How do you know?" Jongin asks. Did Sehun feel love the same way?

He blinks a few times and tilts his head a little. "Ah, I just do." He ducks his head. "You just do."

"Does it feel like wanting to be with you forever?" Jongin asks, putting his finger under Sehun's chin to look him in the eyes.

Sehun's cheeks are slowly turning pink. "Kinda."

"That's what I want. To always be with you." He smiles at Sehun, brushing fingers through the hair at his nape. If he loved anyone like this it would be Sehun. It feels so right to say it now. "Yes, I must love you." He pauses, feeling the words leave his lips like a promise. "I love you."

Sehun scrunches his face up, and Jongin doesn't draw attention to the fact that his eyes are watery again. "Yeah?" He says weakly.

Jongin grins at him. "Yeah." 

Sehun seems determined to hold eye contact but eventually gets irritated by his own tears and covers his face cutely. "Aigo..." He whines, hiding his face in Jongin's neck again and sniffling. Jongin speaks  _I love you_ 's into his hair. 

"Shut up, shut up." Sehun grumbles, but he can't hide the smile in his voice and Jongin breathes him in contentedly.

"Fine, I won't say it anymore." Jongin teases.

Sehun makes an exasperated noise and flicks Jongin's ear. "Say it."

"I love you, Sehunnie."

Sehun squeezes him, squealing. "Shut up~!" He hits Jongin lightly on the chest. This leads to Jongin poking him in the ribs, and from there they flat out wrestle. Jongin loses because Sehun kisses him in between headlocks and he still feels a bit languid, but Sehun laughs until he's out of breath and so Jongin likes to count that as a different kind of win.

They lay on their sides, facing each other, Jongin's arm resting on Sehun's waist, and Sehun's finger drawing words on his chest. "I can't do some things that other couples that love each other do." Sehun says out of nowhere.

Jongin is taken aback by the statement. It hadn't even crossed his mind. "I don't care about that." Jongin speaks clearly. "You know about me, and you don't care, and this is the same; it doesn't matter. Don't ever worry about doing something you don't want to do."

Sehun cuts him off by pressing a kiss to his mouth. "I love you too." He says. Jongin is about to speak when they hear a light tap on the door, followed by muffled voices. Jongin freezes, afraid they'll come in, but the door stays where it is. Instead, they hear Junmyeon's worried voice, paired with Kyungsoo's calmer one. "Sehun-ah? Jongin-ah?"

Sehun calls out. "We're fine." And smiles before adding. "Jongin's back!" He pokes Jongin to speak.

"Hi, Junmyeon-hyung, Kyungsoo-hyung." Jongin says shyly, embarrassed by his earlier condition. There are relieved sounds from the other side of the door and Jongin feels a flash of guilt run through him. Sehun gives him a peck on the cheek as if he knows, and snuggles closer. "We're going to sleep here." He calls. 

They hear Junmyeon mumbling and both break into smiles. "We'll see you in the morning then." The leader says, resigned to going and finding a bed in one of the other rooms. 

"There's leftovers in the fridge." Kyungsoo adds, before they both say goodnight and the sounds die down.

Sehun is looking at him strangely, as if deep in thought. "What?" He smirks.

"Do you think...maybe one day, we could tell them?"

Jongin bites his lip. "About...everything?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. Maybe." Jongin says unconvincingly, and Sehun frowns. 

"At least think about it." He bumps their foreheads together. "I thought maybe...we could tell Minseokkie-hyung first."

Jongin is curious. "Why?" Sehun shuffles awkwardly and it just makes Jongin more interested. "Come on, Sehun, don't leave me hanging."

"Alright." Sehun huffs. "It's just that there was this one time, back when," he clears his throat, "back when Luhan-hyung was still here. Just this one time when everyone was going out, and Luhan-hyung and Minseok-hyung stayed behind because they said they were tired and old. Do you remember? And they asked us to bring back a whole list of food." 

Jongin shakes his head. There were too many times like that. 

"Well, I went back, because I forgot my power pack, but I couldn't find it and so I was going to ask Luhan-hyung for his one and then I-"

"What?" Jongin eyes are wide as he hangs on to every word. He can almost feel what's coming and it makes him nervously excited.

"I saw them. I saw Luhan kiss Minseok-hyung. The same way we do, I mean."

Jongen's mouth pops open. "Wah."

"Mm." Sehun says, looking at him carefully. "I'm pretty sure they didn't know I saw. I felt bad for catching them when they thought they were alone so I just left."

"Sehun-ah- Did they... Did they love...?"

"I don't know." Sehun says. "But that's why... That's why I think we should tell Minseok. He's the oldest and.. And maybe he can help us with the others, or he can help us keep it a secret, I don't know. I just trust him."

"How do you survive without the person you love?" Jongin whispers, not meeting Sehun's eyes and rubbing his thumb over the younger's sharp knuckles.

"Maybe you don't, really." Sehun says with an unreadable tone. "Or maybe, you're not truly apart if you have each other's love."

"Deep." Jongin says, and the side of Sehun's mouth quirks up. 

"Ask deep questions and you'll get deep answers." He snaps lightly, but Jongin can see his cheeks turning pink. 

"I'll never leave you." Jongin blurts out, needing to say it for some reason. 

Sehun grips his hand. "Okay. I won't either."

"But..." Jongin says slowly, because he can't stop thinking about how sorry Sehun had been for not being able to reach him quickly enough. "Maybe we could ask Minseok for- For some help with... With learning how to be apart- Just in case. More for me really..." He meets Sehun's eyes hesitantly, in case he's misunderstood. "I don't want to be a burden. At least, not all the time. I want to try and get better. Maybe- maybe Minseok can help, if we tell him about it-" 

Sehun nuzzles their faces together, bringing a hand behind Jongin's neck and kissing his cheek and his jaw and his earlobe. "You're never a burden to me." He whispers. "But I do think we should talk to him."

Jongin struggles to get the covers out from underneath them so that they can climb in. Sehun decides to shimmy out of his trousers and then climb under himself. Jongin can't help trailing his fingers along Sehun's thigh lightly, he loves how soft his skin is, loves it when Sehun feels comfortable enough to take off his clothes like this. Sehun giggles in his ear, "it tickles!"

Jongin settles for having Sehun curled up to him, head on his chest where Sehun starts tapping his nipple again for fun, and Jongin lets his fingers rest in Sehun's back dimples. They're warm and quiet and so at peace that Jongin hardly feels the weight on his body, just adapts to it as if it was his own. He buries his nose in Sehun's hair, relishing the deep smell of home until Sehun nudges him away. They fall asleep this way, without parting words, without preamble or preparation, they do it the way they do most things; softly and together.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, i don't know, i felt like emotional sekai so this just happened..
> 
> i'm also realising that i can ship sehun with anyone? everyone? man, he's so shippable
> 
> sorry for any and all mistakes or just bad writing in general (◕‿◕)


End file.
